I Know , The Things I Know, The Things I Need To Do...

So once upon a time I was really little sitting on our living room floor in our house in Farmington playing with little flashcards that had a picture on one side and a word on the back... however instead of looking at the picture and then saying what it was... I would instead look at the card, flip it over, look at it, and say: "I know, the things I know, the things I need to do." Over and over and over again... And it's all on a lovely home video that has become a bit of a family joke over the years. Now when I was sitting one day talking during companionship study did I ever think that line would pop into my mind? Nope! But it did and it was an answer to a prayer and here's why:
This week I have had the lovely experience of entering the "frustrated phase" of missionary work (it better be a phase because I am already sick and tired of it!). Tuesday I woke up feeling absolutely blah, not health wise but mentally and emotionally. Normally I like to think that when my feet hit the floor in the morning Satan says "Oh no she's awake!" Well this morning he said "Let's get in her head boys!" and he succeeded a little bit, I woke up wondering how in the WORLD did I think I could do this!? Do I even know this church is true? Never in my life has my testimony been so attacked! And by things I thought were good! Namely the Bible! Ugh I was so frustrated, I got up, worked out, showered, and sat down for my studies and guess what? Heavenly Father in His infinite mercy was like "Alright let's get that gunk and doubt out of her head ASAP" I think I might've mentioned it a little bit before but our ward here in Rockwood has been holding weekly meetings for the addiction recovery program and my companion and I attend hoping to bring people with us and if not then meet people that might show up by word of mouth (first meeting a less active woman showed up that the Bishop didn't even know). Anyway so I've been told that the program assists in overcoming any weakness because it's all about better utilizing the Atonement so I've been reading it, going through the daily steps and I'm a big fan of it. Tuesday morning I became an even bigger fan of it when it answered my prayer, both spoken and the "silent pleadings (and frustrations) of my heart." Week two is titled Hope. In it there is a section that references Mark 9:24 the story of the faithful father who, in asking for relief on behalf of his family specifically his foaming at the mouth son, he says: "Lord, I believe; help thou mine unbelief." Which led me to the talk by Jeffrey R. Holland called "Lord I Believe," my favorite part is when he says:
 "...remember this man! In moments of fear or doubt or troubling times, hold the ground you have already won, even if that ground is limited. In the growth we all have to experience in mortality, the spiritual equivalent of this boy’s affliction or this parent’s desperation is going to come to all of us. When those moments come and issues surface, the resolution of which is not immediately forthcoming, hold fast to what you already know and stand strong until additional knowledge comes. It was of this very incident, this specific miracle, that Jesus said, “If ye have faith as a grain of mustard seed, ye shall say unto this mountain, Remove hence to yonder place; and it shall remove; and nothing shall be impossible unto you.” The size of your faith or the degree of your knowledge is not the issue—it is the integrity you demonstrate toward the faith you do have and the truth you already know."
Now... I would love to say that I took that and ran with it and all was well. Yes, my day got better... we tracted through some Tennesseean backwoods and prayed on the doorstep with a woman that had at least 8 dogs. There are always positives to be found. But though I tried to keep that in mind I was still frustrated... still faltering at how to "hold my ground."
Then came Wednesday... ohhhh Wednesday, it started out decent. We had an interesting lesson with a less active we found on our area book map that didn't show on the ward roster. She ended up smoking all during our visit and so we walked out of there smelling like we had each smoked a pack. We do have a time to go back and visit with her again next week though which should be good she even said she'd open the door to vent the place more next time. She's truly a sweet lady, and she has this massive collie looking dog that also could be part bear. It's so huge but I fell in love with him! Ok but after that appointment... that's when my day tanked... let's just say I don't know how to react or even know what to say around southern Baptists and/or so called "Bible scholars" they intimidate me to no end! We sat in a lesson with a woman who is a wife to a Baptist preacher, I was so overwhelmed. I sat there literally thinking "Why am I called to the blasted south?! I hate the Bible belt! I am talking to a literal Duggar from 19 kids and counting and I can't relate to her or her beloved Bible!"
I honestly felt like I had no "ground I have already won."
I do need to acknowledge that I did have actually a really cool opportunity where I was able to bear testimony of the Book of Mormon and my knowledge that it is true and so is this church and the spirit rushed through me. I know I needed that testimony more than she did... yet though I had that experience  I walked out of that house still feeling like crap! Thinking "I'm not cut out for this, I don't know how to reach and relate to differing beliefs, I've never encountered this, and frankly I hate it and I'm mad at myself for thinking I can try!" We had to go see a lady that we thought lived "just up the hill" (classic Tennessee phrase) we parked the car and walked up it and up it and up it. Hermana Yauney told me later that I was walking with so much power and frustration she felt like she was jogging to keep up, and the woman wasn't even there! So we walked all the way down, down, down the hill, and over time I was able to simmer down but I was still so frustrated with myself!
Thursday, brought an awesome zone meeting that I learned a lot from, but even better than all of those trainings was my interview with President. I explained when he asked how I was doing that I was doing better that day but the past two days not so much... he said to me: "So if I understand you this is how you're feeling: You're frustrated because you don't know the Bible, you don't feel like you understand the people, and you don't feel like you're as good of a missionary as everyone said you would be... Sister Hall, BE PATIENT WITH YOURSELF! Take this for what it's worth: you're doing just fine. You're adjusting and entering this frustration phase the way most missionaries do. In time you will come to know the Bible and understand the people and become a better and better missionary. A phrase I like to say is: 'there is no comfort in the growth zone and no growth in the comfort zone.'" I wanted to plug my ears during that part but it's what I needed to hear. Later during weekly planning and companionship inventory we set appropriate goals. I made a vision, goal, and plan list that goes something like this:
My vision: is to not be so hard on myself
My goal: is to be more patient with myself
My plans:
•read through letters and emails of encouragement y'all have sent me
•read through my journal and my farewell talk
•write down spiritual experiences I have had over the years so I can remember the ground I have already won
•pray for more patience with myself (really don't want to do this one but I need to so I will)
I said to Hermana Yauney: "I just don't want to be like everyone else, to go through the same phases, I thought I was stronger than that..."
Her response shut me right up. She said "I'm going to tell you something my dad said to me when I felt that exact same way... He asked me 'Why do you think you are exempt? That you can just grow without suffering? You grow in the furnace of affliction not while sitting in bathwater."
Why am I exempt? I'm not, I'm SOOOO not. And I see that now.
Friday I spent personal study writing down my spiritual experiences both lately and over the years and it was cool how many came to mind and how many I can now use to testify of different principles during lessons. As I was sharing what I had learned with Hermana Yauney that's when the phrase: "I know, the things I know, the things I need to do" popped into my head. It wasn't by any accident.
Since then I'm just taking it day by day keeping that in mind. Another thing President always says is that in hard times when we feel this bad |                    |
and this good | |
we want to fix it so we feel this good |                     |
and this bad | |
so we pray and we stand up hoping to feel better and instead we feel
this bad |                 |
and this good |   |
but day by day it gets a little better we feel less and less bad. That's what I'm working on, slowly I'm feeling less and less bad, and more and more good. It's a process, it's a balancing act, and it's an uncomfortable growth zone.
But I KNOW, THE THINGS I KNOW, THE THINGS I NEED TO DO!
Thanks be to y'all for all your thoughts and prayers, oh how I need them, so thank you for freely giving them!
Love y'all and have a great week!
Hold your ground and remember the things you know and the things you need to do!
Love,
Hermana Hall
PS JUST GOT NEWS THAT ONE OF MY GOOD GOOD FRIENDS AND LONGTIME GOLF BUD MERCEDES ALLEN GOT HER MISSION CALL TO GOOD OL' KNOX!!!!!!! TO SAY I'M BEYOND EXCITED IS NOT ENOUGH... ALL CAPS WILL HAVE TO DO IT JUSTICE EVEN THOUGH I'M CURRENTLY BOUNCING UP AND DOWN SOOO PUMPED! THE CHURCH IS TRUE AND MISSIONARY WORK INVOLVES A LOT OF WORK BUT ALSO INVOLVES A LOT OF MIRACLES!!!!

Sunsphere in Knoxville.
 Built for the Worlds Fair in 1982.  Stands 266 ft high, topped with hexagonal steel truss structure, topped with 75 ft gold-colored glass .

Belted by the Bible

BELTED BY THE BIBLE
2 hours. 2 hours folks. For two hours last Wednesday Hermana Yauney and I sat in one of our investigators homes at her kitchen table and listened to one after another after another of her concerns about discrepancies between the Bible and the Book of Mormon. I can safely say I was absolutely belted by the Bible! I sat there thinking in my head "that's really in the Bible?" "Where the heck was I when we supposedly studied this in Seminary...?" "I think I might just need to take a two week break and do nothing but read the entire standard works."
It was interesting though the first issue she brought up was a reference between Jeremiah and Helaman, I was giddy for a split second when I asked "Oh my goodness in Helaman?! Have you read the book of Mormon in its entirety?" That was quickly crushed when her reply was "No I haven't, I have to admit that I looked that one up." It became clear as we bounced all over the place hearing issue after issue that she had looked up a list online that was probably compiled by an apostate member, completely anti and negative and seeking to drag others down with them. It was so sad!!! We did our best to explain as much as we could about what we could understand... I say we, I pitched in sometimes but it was Hermana Yauney that carried the team for most of that firing squad. I did have a couple cool experiences with revelation though when these three things came to mind and comforted me:
1. "When you don't know what to say, just talk about Christ" Elder Andersen
2. "Study the scriptures but don't worry about being a scriptorian" David A Christensen "8 Things Successful Missionaries Do"
3. "We are not obligated to answer every objection" Ezra Taft Benson PMG page 109
It was important that we were able to listen to all of her concerns and that even if the answer was each time almost always: "Hmm, I'm not sure, we'll have to look into that more..." we still listened and she even said she appreciated when we said that we didn't know, that our honesty meant a lot. Which is a relief, we both thought for sure she was going to "break up with us" or "drop us." We then testified that: (and this was the part I was more than comfortable saying with confidence) it was up to her to begin reading from the Book of Mormon and pray, to go to the true source, our Heavenly Father and ask if it was true, that it doesn't matter what two 19 year old girls talk and bear testimony about or research and teach about, ultimately it's between her and Heavenly Father through prayer. We finally wrapped things up by asking her to say a prayer before we left and she prayed that whichever one of us was wrong would find what is right, which was actually really awesome to hear. And she invited us back for another visit next week! I seriously thought there was absolutely no way! I have been studying and researching a lot regarding her concerns (she gave us a photo copied list outlining them) and since then have had even more of a personal witness that the Book of Mormon is the word of God, it was translated by a chosen man named Joseph Smith who could in no way have made up the doctrines it contains. Those doctrines are so true, and are so inspired, the words and doctrines are literally given from the mouth of God through His servants the prophets! I know that like it says in good ol' PMG (Preach My Gospel) "The only problem the objector has to resolve for himself is whether the Book of Mormon is true. For if the Book of Mormon is true, then Jesus is the Christ, Joseph Smith was his prophet, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is true, and it is being led today by a prophet receiving revelation." -Ezra Taft Benson
 I know the Book of Mormon is true, my testimony used to be "there's no way it's not true" but while being out here and having that be tried and tested and "belted" it has begun to turn into: "There are just too many ways it IS true" that's what I rely on, there is a lot I don't understand... that I flat out, straight up, do not know, but I do know the way reading it makes me feel and the true doctrines it contains.

HUMBLED TO THE DUST
Also I know I have mentioned this before but the living conditions out here have both broken my heart yet opened it at the same time. Directly after the above lesson I just shared about we went to go find a less active in a trailer park. I have been to so many trailers in my 7 weeks here, sometimes I feel like trailers are the norm and homes are the exception... but this one we found... oh my heavens above, it is in a class of its own! For starters it stunk from the porch outside. I don't even know how to accurately describe the smells emanating from it, when the door was opened and we stepped inside it was like running into a wall of stank. But unfortunately it gets worse, oh so much worse... The floor was falling in, there were flies and roaches everywhere, there were 16 cats, 4 dogs, 5 ferrets, and 3 people living in it, and there was also a nice unhealthy heaping of dust and grime coating everything! The couple offered us a chair that we both awkwardly perched on, I was almost sitting on Hermana Yauney's lap but it was either that or the cat/dog/roach couch that their one dog that had a run in with the barbed wire fence and was licking at the poorly wrapped wound was sitting at. He seemed like a great couch buddy but I opted for the yucko chair. Anyway the lady that we went to visit specifically has walked a crazy rough road. Honestly you name just about any horrific, graphic, and otherwise awful trial and she has encountered it in some way, and yes she told us about a lot of it. She did a lot of talking at us instead of with us (it's a southern struggle) I could tell Hermana Yauney was getting a little frustrated by it... But I learned a lot from her, she talked about how we all influence others and how one day we'd look back on our missions and think of all the lessons we learned and lives and stories that influenced us, and that we aren't just here to teach people but be taught ourselves, and it's true, it's so true! A mission is a humbling experience for absolute sure, I have been humbled about to the dust that covered that blessed, grungy, filthy, trailer, but at the same time I've learned so much. About myself, about loving others, and especially about the life and ministry and continuing love of the Savior.
I know He lives and suffered so that we don't have to, I know that bad things happen for ultimately good reasons and that one day it will ALL make sense, I'm counting on it, and I'm counting on Him.
I love y'all and hope you have a blessed week, read the good word, and stay humble and happy!!!
Love,
Hermana Hall

Valentine Dinner, "Sisters before Misters"

Buckmark Sighting

P-day making pottery, The Field is white already to Harvest...

True Tennessean Hermanas

La casa de Las Misioneras

The GREATEST ANSWER

Once upon a time a man asked "Master, which is the great commandment in the law?"
In response the Master our Savior Jesus Christ answered saying, "Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart and with all thy soul and with all thy mind. This is the first and GREAT commandment. And the second is like unto it, thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself."
This isn't just a story, Christ Himself said during His life on earth that love is the greatest commandment.
It is also the greatest motivator, the greatest source of joy, the greatest need, the greatest desire, the greatest cure, the greatest source of peace.

Love I've found is the GREATEST ANSWER!


♡ That lady that has you wash 100 chairs for an upcoming event while she kicks back and eats fritos and cottage cheese? LOVE HER!

♡The guy that "balls hard" with the elders and has a collection of restoration pamphlets that have never been read? LOVE HIM!

♡The guy we found while looking for another investigator that says "yeah I always wanna learn more about God"? LOVE HIM!

♡The elderly woman that wants to talk more about her sweet family and biscuits and grits than the gospel? LOVE HER!

♡The family that has a different excuse for not meeting with us every time we call and/or drop by? LOVE THEM!

♡The Elders that can be more annoying than your little brother ever was?LOVE THEM!

♡That woman that is a bossy cow and wants to be your mission mama and receive your wedding announcement one day? LOVE HER!

♡The family that makes you tacos every Tuesday? LOVE THEM!

♡The guy that you hike up a muddy hill through the forest of backwoods Tennessee in the rain to go see and the door remains closed? LOVE HIM!

♡The woman that is as outspoken as I'll get at and says "see this face it can get away with anythin"? LOVE HER!

♡That lady that asks you to help her open the coffee creamer? (awkward I know, we were helping out at the new art studio grand opening that some ward members are involved with) LOVE HER!

♡My companion who leads by example and makes me laugh my guts out? LOVE HER!

♡The office sister missionary who comes and inspects our house and sees all the dang good work we have done (we seriously put the WASH in whiteWASH) and gives us the "celestial housing" rating and candy? LOVE HER!

♡That man when told your comp doesn't feel well says "let me know if we can put her on the prayer chain"?  (very southern thing) LOVE HIM!

♡The man that answers the door and you can see the roof inside his house is falling in and he doesn't want to hear what you have to say but does want two dollars? LOVE HIM!

♡The man that opens the door with a cigarette tucked behind his ear? LOVE HIM!

♡The man that has no teeth and kind of looks like he has some algae growing on his face and is too busy for religion? LOVE HIM!

♡The woman that has a bit of a beard? LOVE HER!

♡ The woman that feeds you dinner with her food stamp money and then has you feel her head where her metal skull plate is? LOVE HER!

♡ The Bishop that calls three people to come up and share their conversion stories in sacrament meeting and which then creates a spirit that is undeniable? LOVE HIM!

♡The woman we visited whose husband is going through dialysis and we inspire her to do missionary work and she brings a less active friend with her to church? LOVE HER!

♡The woman that sobs all throughout the addiction recovery program and says it is an answer to her prayers? LOVE HER!

♡The woman that texts you and your companion and says "I love you both. Thank you for your sacrifice and service. I understand it is hard being far away from your family and friends back home and your life there. But the difference you make here has the power to impact the eternal progress of families and generations." LOVE HER!


One of my goals and prayers upon arriving in Tennessee was that I would fall in love with the land and the people, it's been 6 weeks, it's been a roller coaster of emotions, feelings and experiences, but there are moments when I realize I am in the middle of this process of falling in love with Tennessee. I love it here, I really do. Do I miss my family? Absolutely! Do I miss my friends? Of course! Do I miss going on dates, adventures, the temple, smoothie runs, movies, driving, skiing, golfing, hanging out, taking a nap? You better believe I do! But those things will be there when I get home, the ability to go knock on someone random person's door and share a message, to receive inspiration and referrals on who to visit, to live in this state and experience serving all day every day, that's only going to last 18 months, well now almost 15 left... and so I'm realizing I want to make the most of every day, and love it more and more!

The song "Love One Another" has been on my mind a lot, I especially love listening to Mindy Gledhill's version that is in both English and Spanish. I have such a testimony that love is the greatest commandment and it is the greatest answer. I would encourage you to look at your life and see how you can better love someone in it, and then act. Do it. NOW! And remember that "Inasmuch as you have done it unto the least of these my brethren you have done it unto me." (Matthew 25:40)
So go hug your fam, hug my fam because I can't, serve someone, smile more, share your testimony, think kinder thoughts, answer with love, knowing that showing love to others ultimately shows love to Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ who are the greatest examples of love.
I LOVE Y'ALL!
Love,
Hermana Hall
PS HAPPY ALMOST VALENTINE'S DAY!
PPS
If you haven't seen this watch it, and look for three of my favorite scenes: the down syndrome girl running into her dad's arms, the old man kissing his wife's cheek, and the little girl putting a bandaid on her little brother's knee. HEART MELT!!!!! Spread the love y'all it's always always always the greatest answer!

https://www.lds.org/video/mormon-messages/2010-02-04-love-one-another?lang=eng

Caught in the Moment

So I have a confession... When faced with difficult situations, or trials, or unexpected happenings or all of the above, I have a tendency to look around me and think to myself: "Well this is super hard and I don't like it very much but one day I'll have a COMEBACK STORY where all will be well, all will be right, and I can inspire others and come off stronger!"
Because isn't that what we hear about all of the time and see in movies? The hero comes off the conqueror, they are doing alright then they fall, they hurt, they fight but they push through. They have that moment when they succeed and win, and it's inspiring and they are changed for the better and the powerful pump up music plays and you're inspired. I look at difficult situations and look for my comeback moment while thinking "one day this will all be worth it" and I'm right... but not completely. Because unlike what is in my head or what I have seen in movies OR (and this one is the kicker) what I have often heard in welcome home talks from returned missionaries is the "comeback story"... the MOMENT that "changed my mission..." that's what I get hung up on...
I have found I am wrong to think that a comeback comes in a moment. I am learning that it is a PROCESS. It is a JOURNEY not an event. Oh my goodness so many things in life and the gospel are processes/journeys:

Conversion
Studying
Praying
Having faith
Gaining knowledge
Repentance
Having a family
Remembering and renewing covenants
The Atonement
Having the Spirit with you
Going to the temple
Traveling
Learning to walk
Eating a meal
Getting ready in the morning
Enduring to the end

The list goes on and on! These aren't one time events, they aren't one moment, they are made up of many moments, and their effects are far reaching. They are PROCESSES!!!! Oh my goodness I am so humbled by this realization: I am literally getting "caught up in the moment" when really I am in the middle of a big and wonderful journey.

As I have searched, pondered, and prayed to better overcome this weakness I have been able to make some connections and remember some what I would call "haunting quotes...." you know how sometimes you hear and write down something and yet when you read it again and again you find you have a love/hate relationship with it?  You love it because it is true yet you hate it because it is true? That's exactly what these are:

The very first piece of advice I received from Hermana Yauney when I first got to Tennessee, now over a month ago (how crazy is that?!) is to: "Start from where you're at." Wow that has struck me so hard and continues to be a constant and needed reminder, I can't run faster than I have strength, I can't learn everything at once, I can't win the battle until I fight. IT IS A PROCESS! IT IS A JOURNEY!

This one is credited to my wonderful mission president President Griffin:
"There is no comfort in the growth zone and no growth in the comfort zone."
Oh how I love/hate this one! Change is anything but comfortable, humility is not comfortable, missions are not comfortable, Christ's life was not comfortable. Yet the result from all of those is growth, more than we can possibly imagine. There again both change and growth are what??? PROCESSES!


"I am the Gardener here and I know what I want you to be,"
When we tract we try to choose a specific message to share, much like a "baiting question/statement" in an essay we try to have something that gets peoples' attention, that relates to all, that keeps the door open long enough to: have a discussion, share beliefs, teach a mini lesson, make some commitments, say a prayer, and hopefully set up a return appointment. And because having a tablet is SUCH a blessing we have chosen a Mormon Message called "The Will of God" to be our tracting message. I won't take the time to summarize it but would definitely recommend that y'all go look it up, it's so good and so applicable to everyone! The other day was rough but we pulled up that video and watched it in the car, Hermana Yauney told me that "sometimes we have to take our own lessons" I definitely needed to take that one. The gospel is so true, it's for everyone and Heavenly Father is so good, oh so very good. He is the guide on our JOURNEY, and the overseer of the PROCESS of life. He truly is the Gardener.

I am so grateful for the lessons He is teaching me, that everything is a process, I am on a journey,and that although it may be hard to see sometimes... I am moving forward. I am learning that it takes time, that it might not be comfortable but most importantly that HE KNOWS BEST. I can honestly say that I wouldn't be out here if I thought that He didn't think I could do it. I am grateful that He is able to take this time to "cut me down" so that He can build me up, because He is the Gardener here. He knows what He wants me to be. So I'll let Him. Every day I'll give Him a little bit more of my will, knowing that it is truly all I have to give Him and trusting that He can do so much more with it than I can.

I wish you all the best in your comeback JOURNEYS and hope that everytime you feel cut down you look to the Gardener and remember that He knows what He wants you to be. It's a process but the very best of journeys.
Love and pray for y'all!
Love,
Hermana Hall

PS
Real quick missionaries are ALL ABOUT follow-ups so here are some peaches and pits from the week:
PIT: we had to drop our investigator with a baptismal date because he no longer remembers us, the church, or where he is (hence the whole theme of this email, about overcoming hard things)
PIT: Gospel Principles class continues to be Gospel Deep Doctrine That Doesn't Matter. This week was on the Creation... I'll let you just imagine how things escalated... from titles of God and Christ to teaching monkeys sign language, I joke that I walk out of there with a new stomach ulcer every week.
PEACH: I ate Thai soup with squid juice as a main ingredient that was pretty good actually.
PIT: We cannot get a hold of and set up appointments with two of our most promising investigators.
PEACH: We found out our Bishop has a lake near his house and his kids love fishing!!!!!!
PEACH: Had interviews with President that were AWESOME! Love that man!
PEACH: Got a yumilicious blackberry shake at an apparently very southern very well known fast food place called Steak N' Shake
PEACH: HUGE SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE LOVELY PEOPLE WHO HAVE BEEN SENDING ME PACKAGES AND LETTERS AND CARDS AND EMAILS!!! I APPRECIATE Y'ALL OH SO VERY MUCH! YOU MAKE A TENNESSEEAN MISSIONARY'S DAY DO NOT FORGET OR DOUBT IT, NO SIR!!!!