This week I have had the lovely experience of entering the "frustrated phase" of missionary work (it better be a phase because I am already sick and tired of it!). Tuesday I woke up feeling absolutely blah, not health wise but mentally and emotionally. Normally I like to think that when my feet hit the floor in the morning Satan says "Oh no she's awake!" Well this morning he said "Let's get in her head boys!" and he succeeded a little bit, I woke up wondering how in the WORLD did I think I could do this!? Do I even know this church is true? Never in my life has my testimony been so attacked! And by things I thought were good! Namely the Bible! Ugh I was so frustrated, I got up, worked out, showered, and sat down for my studies and guess what? Heavenly Father in His infinite mercy was like "Alright let's get that gunk and doubt out of her head ASAP" I think I might've mentioned it a little bit before but our ward here in Rockwood has been holding weekly meetings for the addiction recovery program and my companion and I attend hoping to bring people with us and if not then meet people that might show up by word of mouth (first meeting a less active woman showed up that the Bishop didn't even know). Anyway so I've been told that the program assists in overcoming any weakness because it's all about better utilizing the Atonement so I've been reading it, going through the daily steps and I'm a big fan of it. Tuesday morning I became an even bigger fan of it when it answered my prayer, both spoken and the "silent pleadings (and frustrations) of my heart." Week two is titled Hope. In it there is a section that references Mark 9:24 the story of the faithful father who, in asking for relief on behalf of his family specifically his foaming at the mouth son, he says: "Lord, I believe; help thou mine unbelief." Which led me to the talk by Jeffrey R. Holland called "Lord I Believe," my favorite part is when he says:
"...remember this man! In moments of fear or doubt or troubling times, hold the ground you have already won, even if that ground is limited. In the growth we all have to experience in mortality, the spiritual equivalent of this boy’s affliction or this parent’s desperation is going to come to all of us. When those moments come and issues surface, the resolution of which is not immediately forthcoming, hold fast to what you already know and stand strong until additional knowledge comes. It was of this very incident, this specific miracle, that Jesus said, “If ye have faith as a grain of mustard seed, ye shall say unto this mountain, Remove hence to yonder place; and it shall remove; and nothing shall be impossible unto you.” The size of your faith or the degree of your knowledge is not the issue—it is the integrity you demonstrate toward the faith you do have and the truth you already know."
Now... I would love to say that I took that and ran with it and all was well. Yes, my day got better... we tracted through some Tennesseean backwoods and prayed on the doorstep with a woman that had at least 8 dogs. There are always positives to be found. But though I tried to keep that in mind I was still frustrated... still faltering at how to "hold my ground."
Then came Wednesday... ohhhh Wednesday, it started out decent. We had an interesting lesson with a less active we found on our area book map that didn't show on the ward roster. She ended up smoking all during our visit and so we walked out of there smelling like we had each smoked a pack. We do have a time to go back and visit with her again next week though which should be good she even said she'd open the door to vent the place more next time. She's truly a sweet lady, and she has this massive collie looking dog that also could be part bear. It's so huge but I fell in love with him! Ok but after that appointment... that's when my day tanked... let's just say I don't know how to react or even know what to say around southern Baptists and/or so called "Bible scholars" they intimidate me to no end! We sat in a lesson with a woman who is a wife to a Baptist preacher, I was so overwhelmed. I sat there literally thinking "Why am I called to the blasted south?! I hate the Bible belt! I am talking to a literal Duggar from 19 kids and counting and I can't relate to her or her beloved Bible!"
I honestly felt like I had no "ground I have already won."
I do need to acknowledge that I did have actually a really cool opportunity where I was able to bear testimony of the Book of Mormon and my knowledge that it is true and so is this church and the spirit rushed through me. I know I needed that testimony more than she did... yet though I had that experience I walked out of that house still feeling like crap! Thinking "I'm not cut out for this, I don't know how to reach and relate to differing beliefs, I've never encountered this, and frankly I hate it and I'm mad at myself for thinking I can try!" We had to go see a lady that we thought lived "just up the hill" (classic Tennessee phrase) we parked the car and walked up it and up it and up it. Hermana Yauney told me later that I was walking with so much power and frustration she felt like she was jogging to keep up, and the woman wasn't even there! So we walked all the way down, down, down the hill, and over time I was able to simmer down but I was still so frustrated with myself!
Thursday, brought an awesome zone meeting that I learned a lot from, but even better than all of those trainings was my interview with President. I explained when he asked how I was doing that I was doing better that day but the past two days not so much... he said to me: "So if I understand you this is how you're feeling: You're frustrated because you don't know the Bible, you don't feel like you understand the people, and you don't feel like you're as good of a missionary as everyone said you would be... Sister Hall, BE PATIENT WITH YOURSELF! Take this for what it's worth: you're doing just fine. You're adjusting and entering this frustration phase the way most missionaries do. In time you will come to know the Bible and understand the people and become a better and better missionary. A phrase I like to say is: 'there is no comfort in the growth zone and no growth in the comfort zone.'" I wanted to plug my ears during that part but it's what I needed to hear. Later during weekly planning and companionship inventory we set appropriate goals. I made a vision, goal, and plan list that goes something like this:
My vision: is to not be so hard on myself
My goal: is to be more patient with myself
My plans:
•read through letters and emails of encouragement y'all have sent me
•read through my journal and my farewell talk
•write down spiritual experiences I have had over the years so I can remember the ground I have already won
•pray for more patience with myself (really don't want to do this one but I need to so I will)
I said to Hermana Yauney: "I just don't want to be like everyone else, to go through the same phases, I thought I was stronger than that..."
Her response shut me right up. She said "I'm going to tell you something my dad said to me when I felt that exact same way... He asked me 'Why do you think you are exempt? That you can just grow without suffering? You grow in the furnace of affliction not while sitting in bathwater."
Why am I exempt? I'm not, I'm SOOOO not. And I see that now.
Friday I spent personal study writing down my spiritual experiences both lately and over the years and it was cool how many came to mind and how many I can now use to testify of different principles during lessons. As I was sharing what I had learned with Hermana Yauney that's when the phrase: "I know, the things I know, the things I need to do" popped into my head. It wasn't by any accident.
Since then I'm just taking it day by day keeping that in mind. Another thing President always says is that in hard times when we feel this bad | |
and this good | |
we want to fix it so we feel this good | |
and this bad | |
so we pray and we stand up hoping to feel better and instead we feel
this bad | |
and this good | |
but day by day it gets a little better we feel less and less bad. That's what I'm working on, slowly I'm feeling less and less bad, and more and more good. It's a process, it's a balancing act, and it's an uncomfortable growth zone.
But I KNOW, THE THINGS I KNOW, THE THINGS I NEED TO DO!
Thanks be to y'all for all your thoughts and prayers, oh how I need them, so thank you for freely giving them!
Love y'all and have a great week!
Hold your ground and remember the things you know and the things you need to do!
Love,
Hermana Hall
PS JUST GOT NEWS THAT ONE OF MY GOOD GOOD FRIENDS AND LONGTIME GOLF BUD MERCEDES ALLEN GOT HER MISSION CALL TO GOOD OL' KNOX!!!!!!! TO SAY I'M BEYOND EXCITED IS NOT ENOUGH... ALL CAPS WILL HAVE TO DO IT JUSTICE EVEN THOUGH I'M CURRENTLY BOUNCING UP AND DOWN SOOO PUMPED! THE CHURCH IS TRUE AND MISSIONARY WORK INVOLVES A LOT OF WORK BUT ALSO INVOLVES A LOT OF MIRACLES!!!!
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| Sunsphere in Knoxville. Built for the Worlds Fair in 1982. Stands 266 ft high, topped with hexagonal steel truss structure, topped with 75 ft gold-colored glass .           |
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